Much like everyone else, I too am feeling the pinch due to gas prices. But as a person that always hated huge ass SUVs (you have 2 kids…you don’t need a full size Yukon for them to be comfortable!), I must admit that I am somewhat happy to see gas prices on the rise. Much like what happened in the 70s, when you could pretty much the big boat cars would replace SUVs in any of the current days conversation, high gas prices, along with forward thinking Japanese car makers, is what causes American auto makers to get smaller and more efficient. Apparently American auto makers were caught sucking on the teet of profitability based on SUV sales and now they are screwed since nobody wants to pay $40k for a truck that gets 12 miles per gallon.

This great article “Eight reasons you’ll rejoice when we hit $8-a gallon gasoline” really encompasses many of the reasons why I am glad to see prices raising. In the short run it hurts. But from my perspective, the biggest people it hurts are those that were irresponsible with their money to begin with and we’re on the margin even when things were good. They are/were in a car/house/lifestyle they were not really equipped to maintain to begin with. Those that are responsible will be stretched for a short time but will be fine. The point being that in the long term, the country needs a kick in the pants to innovate and change the way we live as Americans so the country can continue to be economically viable.  The eight reasons and snippets of explanation are:

1. RIP for the internal-combustion engine

…the power source for today’s cars is little different than that which drove the first Model T 100 years ago. That we’re still harnessed to this antiquated technology is testament to Big Oil’s influence in Washington and success in squelching advances in fuel efficiency and alternative energy.

2. Economic stimulus

Necessity being the mother of invention, $8 gas would trigger all manner of investment sure to lead to groundbreaking advances. Job creation wouldn’t be limited to research labs; it would rapidly spill over into lucrative manufacturing jobs…we won’t see massive public and corporate funding of research initiatives until escalating oil costs threaten our national security and global stability — a time that’s fast approaching.

3. Wither the Middle East’s clout

This region that’s contributed little to modern civilization exercises inordinate sway over the world because of its one significant contribution — crude extraction. Aside from ensuring Israel’s security, the U.S. would have virtually no strategic or business interest in this volatile, desolate region were it not for oil — and its radical element wouldn’t be able to demonize us as the exploiters of its people.

4. Deflating oil potentates

On a similar note, Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez and Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently gained a platform on the world stage because of their nations’ sudden oil wealth. Without it, they would face the difficult task of building fair and just economies and societies on some other basis.

5. Mass-transit development

…there have been few major additions or improvements to our mass-transit systems in the last 30 years because cheap gas kept us in our cars. Confronted with $8 gas, millions of Americans would board buses, trains, ferries and bicycles and minimize the pollution, congestion and anxiety spawned by rush-hour traffic jams.

6. An antidote to sprawl

Making 100-mile-plus roundtrip commutes costlier will spur construction of more space-efficient housing closer to city centers, including cluster developments to accommodate the millions of baby boomers who will no longer need their big empty-nest suburban homes. …building more housing around city and town centers will enhance the sense of community lacking in cookie-cutter developments slapped up in the hinterlands.

7. Restoration of financial discipline

Far too many Americans live beyond their means and nowhere is that more apparent than with our car payments. Enabled by eager lenders, many middle-income families carry two monthly payments of $400 or more on $20,000-plus vehicles that consume upwards of $15,000 of their annual take-home pay factoring in insurance, maintenance and gas. The sting of forking over $100 per fill-up would force all of us to look hard at how much of our precious income we blow on a transport vehicle that sits idle most of the time, and spur demand for the less-costly and more fuel-efficient small sedans and hatchbacks that Europeans have been driving for decades.

8. Easing global tensions

The existence of weapons of mass destruction aside, the present Iraq War could be the first of many sparked by competition for oil supplies. Steep prices will not only chill demand in the U.S., they will more importantly slow China and India’s headlong rush to make the same mistakes we did in rapidly industrializing…If we succeed in developing viable energy alternatives, they could be a key export in helping us improve our balance of trade with consumer-goods producers.

This little news story comes from our friends at KIRO TV in Washington St.

Family Says Airline Left Them Stranded At Airport

POSTED: 10:30 am PDT July 6, 2008

UPDATED: 11:01 am PDT July 6, 2008

SEATAC, Wash. — A woman with two disabled children said her family was left stranded by Southwest Airlines on their way to Seattle. Wendy Slaughter was traveling with her four children and her five-months pregnant sister Friday on a Southwest Airlines flight from Detroit to Seattle. One of Slaughter’s children has autism and she also has a daughter with cerebral palsy. When the family landed in Phoenix they were met at the gate by police officers, detained and told they were too disruptive to get on their connecting flight to Seattle, Slaughter said. Slaughter said they were left stranded at the Phoenix airport with no money and no lodging. This was the first flight for the children.

Slaughter admitted the children were loud and kept getting up and walking around the plane.“The children were out of control on the flight you know, they were restless, excited and worked up and they are kids,” said Slaughter. The family said flight attendants asked them to quiet the children twice, but they didn’t expect to be booted off the flight “I am furious about it. I can’t believe they could do something like that and then leave us completely stranded with no money no way to get anywhere,” Slaughter said.

Southwest Airlines spokeswoman Christi Day told KIRO-7:”They were being disruptive and unruly on the plane, and for the safety of our customers and the flight crew, we decided to not allow them to travel on to Seattle at that time. Typically if it’s a threatening behavior, it’s not safe to travel 30,000 feet in the air in a contained environment.” The family said police officers bought them food and Motel 6 donated a hotel room for the night. The children’s grandmother said she had to pay $2,000 to book last-minute tickets on Alaska Airlines. They said they didn’t have any problems on that three-hour flight. The family said they want Southwest Airlines to compensate them and give a public apology.

Everyone knows the strangest things come from Japan. Here are some recent strange ass Japanese inventions that are out there.

This fascinating little noisemaker, called the Magical Water Princess, is used in female restrooms to mask the unpleasant (or for some strangely erotic - think 2 girls 1 cup) sounds that come from the gastrointestinal system. It seems that prior to this groundbreaking technology, women in public restrooms would continually flush the toilet over and over again to mask the sounds of “dropping the kids off at the pool” causing a tremendous water waste problem. Thank you Magical Water Princess for letting Japanese women keep their vanity and saving the non-potable water supply!!

Tired of using a boring old cotton swab to get rid of ear wax? Or perhaps you actually read the instructions on the package of cotton swabs that says not to use it on your ear canal (what would anyone else need a 500 pack of cotton swabs for?) Well your prayers have been answered! With the Ear Wax Camera/Cleaner, you can see the wax buildup before removing it because sometimes you may want to clean out all of it, sometimes maybe a quarter of the wax. You might need something to do later.

Ok this one really isn’t an gadget but this has got to be one of the strangest commercial I have ever seen. And since an ad is really an invention of a collection of thought and this is my goddamn blog, I am putting it on here. Any insight on what the hell the meaning of the commercial is and what is accomplished by the scorning of its protagonist, please let me know.

Finally I will leave my dear readers with is two videos with really scary face looking things that you find in the toilet. The first is at least entertaining (what man doesn’t love a challenge while at the urinal), the second… I really don’t see a purpose other than to scare women. What is Japan’s obsessions with toilets? Or maybe a better question is what is our obsession with Japan’s obsession with toilets? The last one makes me think that it is all just an elaborate plot to take video/pictures of women sitting on the toilet. There’s no point to it…other than it being in direct competition with the Magical Water Princess. Hmm…creepy man face moving toward me as I’m “taking the Browns to the Super Bowl” or innocuous little box that makes a chirping/flushing noise. Only in Japan do you have the choice…

As some of you may know, I’m a marketing nerd. I always like seeing innovative new ways of trying to sell something to your target audience. Now there are very few corporations that really innovate to attract you to their product in a new and different way. I blogged a little while back ago (in the myspace days) about the Beer Ape ad that caught my interest. That was when corporations were just catching on to viral marketing. Anyway, the type of business that always seems to be on the cutting edge (or perhaps over the edge) of marketing gimmicks are car dealers. Recently there were two marketing examples that really got my attention.

First the good one. This car dealer has gotten a lot of attention, especially with the Brits.

This dealership in Missouri is offering a gas card or handgun to every car they sell. This BBC article says that they’ve sold 30 cars in three days and they are attributing it to the promotion. Now this is innovative. Any car dealership can throw in free car washes, oil changes or handjobs but it takes a real businessman to know your target market. Look at the brand names listed above. Chevy, Ford, Dodge, Jeep. Look where they are located. In the heartland of America. Your bread and butter is, to put it quite frankly, a redneck hillbilly farmer. What would attract a redneck hillbilly farmer to come by his next pickem up truck from Max Motor? A free gun! Genius! The BBC article also claims that out of the 30 only “except one guy from Canada and one old guy” everyone has taken the gun. You may not agree with gun ownership or promotion, but this is a fantastic example of a businessman knowing his target market and promoting accordingly.

Now for the bad example. Now since this is my blog and considering my general outlook on religion, this may be a little skewed.

Kieffe and Sons Ford in California have released the following radio ad. Here is the transcript (the beginning is partly cut off on the recording) :

["Did you know that there are people in this country who want prayer out of schools, "Under God" out of the Pledge, and "In God We Trust" to be taken off our money?"]

“But did you know that 86% of Americans say they believe in God? Since we all know that 86 out of every 100 of us are Christians, who believe in God, we at Kieffe & Sons Ford wonder why we don’t tell the other 14% to sit down and shut up. I guess I just offended 14% of the people who are listening to this message. Well, if that is the case then I say that’s tough, this is America folks, it’s called free speech. None of us at Kieffe & Sons Ford is afraid to speak out. Kieffe & Sons Ford on Sierra Highway in Mojave and Rosamond, if we don’t see you today, by the grace of God, we’ll be here tomorrow.”

Now any frat boy that’s slept through Marketing 101 would tell you that you should probably not actively try to alienate part of your target audience. Now while this is a Ford dealer that has some of the same target audience as Max Motors, note the location difference. Kieffe and Sons is located in Rosamond and Mojave, California, which is located about an hour north of LA. Methinks that there are far more liberal individuals who Kieffe and Sons are likely to piss off there than if the same ad ran in Missouri. And while Max Motors implies their Christianity, they are not giving a huge middle finger to those that aren’t Christian. Atheists can come on down and get a free gun too! But at Kieffe and Sons, if you don’t believe in God, they don’t want your business. In fact if you don’t believe in God, why don’t you just shut up and let us good God fearing folks run the world? There’s a huge difference between directly marketing to one audience (Max Motors) and attempting to grab favor with an audience by ostracizing a different audience (Kieffe and Sons).

While there are plenty of rednecks who will buy trucks from them, I believe Ford sells sedans, SUVs and minivans too. Some of them may be Christian, some may not be, and some may be offended by the sheer bigotry of the ad to go buy their car somewhere else. (Note the reader: Here comes the tangential rant) It just amazes me that this is even permitted. Imagine the below ad being broadcasted over the airwaves:

“But did you know that 86% of Americans say they believe in human sacrifice? Since we all know that 86 out of every 100 of us are Pagans, who believe in human sacrifice, we at Kieffe & Sons Ford wonder why we don’t tell the other 14% to sit down and shut up. I guess I just offended 14% of the people who are listening to this message. Well, if that is the case then I say that’s tough, this is America folks, it’s called free speech. None of us at Kieffe & Sons Ford is afraid to speak out. Kieffe & Sons Ford on Sierra Highway in Mojave and Rosamond, if we don’t see you today, by the grace of ritualistic murder, we’ll be here tomorrow.”

OR

But did you know that 86% of Americans say they believe people should not be overweight? Since we all know that 86 out of every 100 of us are not fat, who believe in keeping fit, we at Kieffe & Sons Ford wonder why we don’t tell the other 14% of fat asses to sit down and shut up. I guess I just offended 14% of the people who are listening to this message. Well, if that is the case then I say that’s tough, this is America folks, it’s called free speech. None of us at Kieffe & Sons Ford is afraid to speak out. Kieffe & Sons Ford on Sierra Highway in Mojave and Rosamond, if we don’t see you today, by the grace of our protein smoothies, we’ll be here tomorrow.”

I don’t think those ad copies would even dream of being sent across the air. You would kinda have to make a leap of faith on the 86% not being fat thing, it would likely be the other way around but you get my point. Is it ok to point out the minority’s view point as invalid and recommend their silencing? If so where does it begin and end? Hillary supporters should be silenced because she is the minority in the Democratic race? As far as I am concerned, this little ad stuff Kieffe and Sons has pulled has landed him a lot of publicity but probably very few car sales. He has probably lost more than he gained from it as he has eliminated a lot of his market while probably only pulling a few extremist Christians, who may just go to Missouri so they can get a free gun instead.

UPDATE 5/30/08:

Courtesy of the Bakersfield Californian, Kieffe and Sons Ford has apologized for their ad. Apparently their little gimmick didn’t work so well especially when the Internet took over. Below are a few choice lines from the article.

Rick Kieffe, owner of Kieffe and Sons Ford in Mojave and Rosamond, insisted Wednesday that he does not remember approving the ad…

“It’s just something that went by us,” said Kieffe, who does not attend church but considers himself “a Christian spirit.”

Kieffe said he has received “an incredible amount” of calls from people as far away as Australia and England, most but not all of them from “very articulate, nice people.”

“Some of them just call and just use four-letter words real fast and then just hang up,” he said.

UPDATE 6/1/08:

Apparently the apology issued by Kieffe and Sons was a fraud and forced by Ford Motor Co.  Our good friends at the Bakersfield Californian followed up the story.

Rick Kieffe, president of Kieffe & Sons Ford, said he didn’t regret the ad but was sorry if it had offended anyone.

“I don’t regret the sentiment at all,” said Kieffe, who bought the 48-year-old dealership from his father in 1974. “It’s what we believe.”

This just reiterates my point previously about atheists being viewed as an acceptable class of people to bash. No one would stand behind an ad that told Mexicans or blacks to sit down and shut up. I hope Ford looks past the hollow “apology” and exercises their right to strip Kieffe and Sons of the ability to sell Fords.  I recommend my readers express their displeasure with this particular Ford representative by contacting them through their website.

The below story was taken from the Smoking Gun. This fat ass is finally getting a reasonable caloric intake for once in his life and he’s going to sue for it. Welcome to obese America!

Accused Killer In Calorie Beef

Down 105 pounds, obese inmate sues jailers for “lack of nutrition”

APRIL 27–Meet Broderick Laswell. Since his arrest last September on a murder charge, the Arkansas man, 19, has been locked up in the Benton County jail, where he has shed 105 of his original 413 pounds. While most people suffering from obesity would probably welcome such a weight loss, Laswell has made a federal case out of it. Claiming that he is “literally being starved to death,” the 6′, 308-pound Laswell Friday filed a lawsuit charging that his civil rights have been violated by jailers. According to the U.S. District Court complaint, an excerpt of which you’ll find here, Laswell contends that he is being provided with so few calories that, about an hour after every meal, “my stomach starts to hurt and growl. I feel hungry again.” This purported “lack of nutrition,” Laswell claims, is reflected in miniscule biscuits and cake sizes, the small amount of chips accompanying sandwiches, and the occasional provision of “2 small cookies.” And just in case anyone thought he was only concerned about junk food, the accused killer also complains about the “drizzle of dressing” placed on his “small side of lettuce.”  The lethargic Laswell claims that “on several occasions” he has “started to do some excersizing and my vision went blurry and I felt like I was going to pass out.” He attributes this, of course, to diminished calorie intake, not morbid obesity. Laswell and an accomplice were arrested last year for allegedly beating and stabbing a man to death, according to a Circuit Court probable cause affidavit.

I saw this and completely agreed. I know a good many of these yet not all. I especially agree with #s 12, 21, 24, 41 and 52.

Source: http://www.esquire.com/features/essential-skills-0508

The 75 Skills Every Man Should Master

A man can be expert in nothing, but he must be practiced in many things. Skills. You don’t have to master them all at once. You simply have to collect and develop a certain number of skills as the years tick by. People count on you to come through. That’s why you need these, to start.

By Tom Chiarella

Leif Parsons

A Man Should Be Able To:

1. Give advice that matters in one sentence. I got run out of a job I liked once, and while it was happening, a guy stopped me in the hall. Smart guy, but prone to saying too much. I braced myself. I didn’t want to hear it. I needed a white knight, and I knew it wasn’t him. He just sighed and said: When nobody has your back, you gotta move your back. Then he walked away. Best advice I ever got. One sentence.

2. Tell if someone is lying. Everyone has his theory. Pick one, test it. Choose the tells that work for you. I like these: Liars change the subject quickly. Liars look up and to their right when they speak. Liars use fewer contractions. Liars will sometimes stare straight at you and employ a dead face. Liars never touch their chest or heart except self-consciously. Liars place objects between themselves and you during a conversation.

3. Take a photo. Fill the frame.

4. Score a baseball game. Scoring a game is an exercise in ciphering, creating a shorthand of your very own. In this way, it’s a private language as much as a record of the game. The only given is the numbering of the positions and the use of the diamond to express each batter’s progress around the bases. I black out the diamond when a run scores. I mark an RBI with a tally mark in the upper-right-hand corner. Each time you score a game, you pick up on new elements to track: pitch count, balls and strikes, foul balls. It doesn’t matter that this information is available on the Internet in real time. Scoring a game is about bearing witness, expanding your own ability to observe.

5. Name a book that matters. The Catcher in the Rye does not matter. Not really. You gotta read.

6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible. One guy at your table knows where Cobain was born and who his high school English teacher was. Another guy can argue the elegant extended trope of Liquid Swords with GZA himself. This is how it should be. Music does not demand agreement. Rilo Kiley. Nina Simone. Whitesnake. Fugazi. Otis Redding. Whatever. Choose. Nobody likes a know-it-all, because 1) you can’t know it all and 2) music offers distinct and private lessons. So pick one. Except Rilo Kiley. I heard they broke up.

Leif Parsons

7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill.

Buy The Way to Cook, by Julia Child. Try roasting. Braising. Broiling. Slow-cooking. Pan searing. Think ragouts, fricassees, stews. All of this will force you to understand the functionality of different cuts. In the end, grilling will be a choice rather than a chore, and your Weber will become a tool rather than a piece of weekend entertainment.

8. Not monopolize the conversation.

9. Write a letter.

So easy. So easily forgotten. A five-paragraph structure works pretty well: Tell why you’re writing. Offer details. Ask questions. Give news. Add a specific memory or two. If your handwriting is terrible, type. Always close formally.

10. Buy a suit.

Avoid bargains. Know your likes, your dislikes, and what you need it for (work, funerals, court). Squeeze the fabric — if it bounces back with little or no sign of wrinkling, that means it’s good, sturdy material. And tug the buttons gently. If they feel loose or wobbly, that means they’re probably coming off sooner rather than later. The jacket’s shoulder pads are supposed to square with your shoulders; if they droop off or leave dents in the cloth, the jacket’s too big. The jacket sleeves should never meet the wrist any lower than the base of the thumb — if they do, ask to go down a size. Always get fitted.

11. Swim three different strokes. Doggie paddle doesn’t count.

12. Show respect without being a suck-up. Respect the following, in this order: age, experience, record, reputation. Don’t mention any of it.

13. Throw a punch. Close enough, but not too close. Swing with your shoulders, not your arm. Long punches rarely land squarely. So forget the roundhouse. You don’t have a haymaker. Follow through; don’t pop and pull back. The length you give the punch should come in the form of extension after the point of contact. Just remember, the bones in your hand are small and easy to break. You’re better off striking hard with the heel of your palm. Or you could buy the guy a beer and talk it out.

14. Chop down a tree. Know your escape path. When the tree starts to fall, use it.

15. Calculate square footage. Width times length.

Leif Parsons

16. Tie a bow tie.

Step 1: Make a simple knot, allowing slightly more length (one to two inches) on the end of A.

Step 2: Lay A out of the way, fold B into the normal bow shape, and position it on the first knot you made.

Step 3: Drop A vertically over folded end B.

Step 4: Double back A on itself and position it over the knot so that the two folded ends make a cross.

Step 5: The hard part: Pass folded end A under and behind the left side (yours) of the knot and through the loop behind folded end B.

Step 6: Tighten the knot you have created, straightening, particularly in the center.

Leif Parsons

17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well.

When I interviewed for my first job, one of the senior guys had me to his house for a reception. He offered me a cigarette and pointed me to a bowl of whiskey sours, like I was Darrin Stephens and he was Larry Tate. I can still remember that first tight little swallow and my gratitude that I could go back for a refill without looking like a drunk. I came to admire the host over the next decade, but he never gave me the recipe. So I use this:
• For every 750-ml bottle of whiskey (use a decent bourbon or rye), add:
• 6 oz fresh-squeezed, strained lemon juice
• 6 oz simple syrup (mix superfine sugar and water in equal quantities)

To serve: Shake 3 oz per person with ice and strain into chilled cocktail glasses. Garnish with a cherry and an orange slice or, if you’re really slick, a float of red wine. (Pour about 1/2 oz slowly into each glass over the back of a spoon; this is called a New York sour, and it’s great.)

18. Speak a foreign language. Pas beaucoup. Mais faites un effort.

19. Approach a woman out of his league. Ever have a shoeshine from a guy you really admire? He works hard enough that he doesn’t have to tell stupid jokes; he doesn’t stare at your legs; he knows things you don’t, but he doesn’t talk about them every minute; he doesn’t scrape or apologize for his status or his job or the way he is dressed; he does his job confidently and with a quiet relish. That stuff is wildly inviting. Act like that guy.

20. Sew a button.

21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer.

Once, in our lifetime, much of Europe was approaching cultural and political irrelevance. Then they made like us and banded together into a union of confederated states. So you can always assume that they were simply copying the United States as they now push us to the verge of cultural and political irrelevance.

22. Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn’t have to ask after it.

Otherwise, ask after it.

23. Be loyal. You will fail at it. You have already. A man who does not know loyalty, from both ends, does not know men. Loyalty is not a matter of give-and-take: He did me a favor, therefore I owe him one. No. No. No. It is the recognition of a bond, the honoring of a shared history, the reemergence of the vows we make in the tight times. It doesn’t mean complete agreement or invisible blood ties. It is a currency of selflessness, given without expectation and capable of the most stellar return.

24. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope. Brand, amount, style, fast, like so: Booker’s, double, neat.

25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it.

Use a contractor’s hammer. Swing hard and loose, like a tennis serve.

26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat.

27. Play gin with an old guy. Old men will try to crush you. They’ll drown you in meaningless chatter, tell stories about when they were kids this or in Korea that. Or they’ll retreat into a taciturn posture designed to get you to do the talking. They’ll note your strategies without mentioning them, keep the stakes at a level they can control, and change up their pace of play just to get you stumbling. You have to do this — play their game, be it dominoes or cribbage or chess. They may have been playing for decades. You take a beating as a means of absorbing the lessons they’ve learned without taking a lesson. But don’t be afraid to take them down. They can handle it.

28. Play go fish with a kid.

You don’t crush kids. You talk their ear off, make an event out of it, tell them stories about when you were a kid this or in Vegas that. You have to play their game, too, even though they may have been playing only for weeks. Observe. Teach them without once offering a lesson. And don’t be afraid to win. They can handle it.

29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped.

Sometimes the laws of physics aren’t laws at all. Read The Quantum World: Quantum Physics for Everyone, by Kenneth W. Ford.

30. Feign interest. Good place to start: quantum physics.

31. Make a bed.

32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick. I once stood in a wine store in West Hollywood where the owner described a pinot noir he favored as “a night walk through a wet garden.” I bought it. I went to my hotel and drank it by myself, looking at the flickering city with my feet on the windowsill. I don’t know which was more right, the wine or the vision that he placed in my head. Point is, it was right.

Leif Parsons

33. Hit a jump shot in pool. It’s not something you use a lot, but when you hit a jump shot, it marks you as a player and briefly impresses women. Make the angle of your cue steeper, aim for the bottommost fraction of the ball, and drive the cue smoothly six inches past the contact point, making steady, downward contact with the felt.

34. Dress a wound. First, stop the bleeding. Apply pressure using a gauze pad. Stay with the pressure. If you can’t stop the bleeding, forget the next step, just get to a hospital. Once the bleeding stops, clean the wound. Use water or saline solution; a little soap is good, too. If you can’t get the wound clean, then forget the next step, just get to a hospital. Finally, dress the wound. For a laceration, push the edges together and apply a butterfly bandage. For avulsions, where the skin is punctured and pulled back like a trapdoor, push the skin back and use a butterfly. Slather the area in antibacterial ointment. Cover the wound with a gauze pad taped into place. Change that dressing every 12 hours, checking carefully for signs of infection. Better yet, get to a hospital.

Leif Parsons

35. Jump-start a car (without any drama). Change a flat tire (safely). Change the oil (once).

36. Make three different bets at a craps table. Play the smallest and most poorly labeled areas, the bets where it’s visually evident the casino doesn’t want you to go. Simply play the pass line; once the point is set, play full odds (this is the only really good bet on the table); and when you want a little more action, tell the crew you want to lay the 4 and the 10 for the minimum bet.

37. Shuffle a deck of cards.

I play cards with guys who can’t shuffle, and they lose. Always.

38. Tell a joke. Here’s one:

Two guys are walking down a dark alley when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other, hands him a bill, and says, “Hey, here’s that $20 I owe you.”

39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack.

Aces. Eights. Always.

40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear. Use his first name. Don’t use baby talk. Don’t crank up your energy to match his. Ask questions and wait for answers. Follow up. Don’t pretend to be interested in Webkinz or Power Rangers or whatever. He’s as bored with that shit as you are. Concentrate instead on seeing the child as a person of his own.

41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear.

You don’t own the restaurant, so don’t act like it. You own the transaction. So don’t speak into the menu. Lift your chin. Make eye contact. All restaurants have secrets — let it be known that you expect to see some of them.

42. Talk to a dog so it will hear.

Go ahead, use baby talk.

43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help. Just turn off the damned main.

44. Ask for help.

Guys who refuse to ask for help are the most cursed men of all. The stubborn, the self-possessed, and the distant. The hell with them.

45. Break another man’s grip on his wrist. Rotate your arm rapidly in the grip, toward the other guy’s thumb.

46. Tell a woman’s dress size.

47. Recite one poem from memory. Here you go:

WHEN YOU ARE OLD

When you are old and gray and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

–William Butler Yeats

48. Remove a stain. Blot. Always blot.

49. Say no.

50. Fry an egg sunny-side up. Cook until the white appears solid…and no longer.

Leif Parsons

51. Build a campfire.

There are three components:

1. The tinder — bone-dry, snappable twigs, about as long as your hand. You need two complete handfuls. Try birch bark; it burns long and hot.

2. The kindling — thick as your thumb, long as your forearm, breakable with two hands. You need two armfuls.

3. Fuel wood — anything thick and long enough that it can’t be broken by hand. It’s okay if it’s slightly damp. You need a knee-high stack.

Step 1: Light the tinder, turning the pile gently to get air underneath it.

Step 2: Feed the kindling into the emergent fire with some pace.

Step 3: Lay on the fuel wood. Pyramid, the log cabin, whatever — the idea is to create some kind of structure so that plenty of air gets to the fire.

52. Step into a job no one wants to do. When I was 13, my dad called me into his office at the large urban mall he ran. He was on the phone. What followed was a fairly banal 15-minute conversation, which involved the collection of rent from a store. On and on, droning about store hours and lighting problems. I kept raising my eyebrows, pretending to stand up, and my dad kept waving me down. I could hear only his end, garrulous and unrelenting. He rolled his eyes as the excuses kept coming. His assertions were simple and to the point, like a drumbeat. He wanted the rent. He wanted the store to stay open when the mall was open. Then suddenly, having given the job the time it deserved, he put it to an end. “So if I see your gate down next Sunday afternoon, I’m going to get a drill and stick a goddamn bolt in it and lock you down for the next week, right?” When he hung up, rent collected, he took a deep breath. “I’ve been dreading that call,” he said. “Once a week you gotta try something you never would do if you had the choice. Otherwise, why are you here?” So he gave me that. And this…

53. Sometimes, kick some ass.

54. Break up a fight. Work in pairs if possible. Don’t get between people initially. Use the back of the collar, pull and urge the person downward. If you can’t get him down, work for distance.

55. Point to the north at any time.

If you have a watch, you can point the hour hand at the sun. Then find the point directly between the hour hand and the 12. That’s south. The opposite direction is, of course, north.

56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person.

57. Explain what a light-year is. It’s the measure of the distance that light travels over 365.25 days.

58. Avoid boredom. You have enough to eat. You can move. This must be acknowledged as a kind of freedom. You don’t always have to buy things, put things in your mouth, or be delighted.

59. Write a thank-you note.

Make a habit of it. Follow a simple formula like this one: First line is a thesis statement. The second line is evidentiary. The third is a kind of assertion. Close on an uptick.

Thanks for having me over to watch game six. Even though they won, it’s clear the Red Sox are a soulless, overmarketed contrivance of Fox TV. Still, I’m awfully happy you have that huge high-def television. Next time, I really will bring beer. Yours,

60. Be brand loyal to at least one product. It tells a lot about who you are and where you came from. Me? I like Hellman’s mayonnaise and Genesee beer, which makes me the fleshy, stubbornly upstate ne’er-do-well that I will always be.

61. Cook bacon.

Lay out the bacon on a rack on a baking sheet. Bake at 400 degrees for 15 minutes.

Leif Parsons

62. Hold a baby.

Newborns should be wrapped tightly and held against the chest. They like tight spaces (consider their previous circumstances) and rhythmic movements, so hold them snug, tuck them in the crook of your elbow or against the skin of your neck. Rock your hips like you’re bored, barely listening to the music at the edge of a wedding reception. No one has to notice except the baby. Don’t breathe all over them.

63. Deliver a eulogy. Take the job seriously. It matters. Speak first to the family, then to the outside world. Write it down. Avoid similes. Don’t read poetry. Be funny.

64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch. When I was a kid, because I’m Italian and because the Irish guys in my neighborhood were relentless with the beatings on St. Patrick’s Day, I loved the very idea of Christopher Columbus. I loved the fact that Irish kids worshipped some gnome who drove all the rats out of Ireland or whatever, whereas my hero was an explorer. Man, I drank the Kool-Aid on that guy. Of course, I later learned that he was a hand-chopping, land-stealing egotist who sold out an entire hemisphere to European avarice. So I left Columbus behind. Your understanding of your heroes must evolve. See Roger Clemens. See Bill Belichick.

65-67. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap. Throw a football with a tight spiral. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably.

If you can’t, play more ball.

68. Find his way out of the woods if lost. Note your landmarks — mountains, power lines, the sound of a highway. Look for the sun: It sits in the south; it moves west. Gauge your direction every few minutes. If you’re completely stuck, look for a small creek and follow it downstream. Water flows toward larger bodies of water, where people live.

69. Tie a knot.

Square knot: left rope over right rope, turn under. Then right rope over left rope. Tuck under. Pull. Or as my pack leader, Dave Kenyon, told me in a Boy Scouts meeting: “Left over right, right over left. What’s so fucking hard about that?”

70. Shake hands. Steady, firm, pump, let go. Use the time to make eye contact, since that’s where the social contract begins.

Leif Parsons

71. Iron a shirt. My uncle Tony the tailor once told me of ironing: Start rough, end gently.

72. Stock an emergency bag for the car.

Blanket. Heavy flashlight. Hand warmers. Six bottles of water. Six packs of beef jerky. Atlas. Reflectors. Gloves. Socks. Bandages. Neosporin. Inhaler. Benadryl. Motrin. Hard candy. Telescoping magnet. Screwdriver. Channel-locks. Crescent wrench. Ski hat. Bandanna.

73. Caress a woman’s neck. Back of your fingers, in a slow fan.

74. Know some birds. If you can’t pay attention to a bird, then you can’t learn from detail, you aren’t likely to appreciate the beauty of evolution, and you don’t have a clue how birdlike your own habits may be. You’ve been looking at them blindly for years now. Get a guide.

75. Negotiate a better price. Be informed. Know the price of competitors. In a big store, look for a manager. Don’t be an asshole. Use one phrase as your mantra, like “I need a little help with this one.” Repeat it, as an invitation to him. Don’t beg. Ever. Offer something: your loyalty, your next purchase, even your friendship, and, with the deal done, your gratitude.

Although I have no written a blog on sports yet, I am a huge sports fan. Particularly of football and futbol. One thing however that consistently disappoints me about most professional sports is that the lack of courtesy and respect involved for those playing the games and/or the game themselves.

When sports reaches any type of professional level it seems like sportsmanship goes out the window. As a kid, at least when I was a kid, the point of the game was fun and winning was a bonus. You would shake hands with your open before the game, let everyone have a chance to play on the field whether they were any good or not. The parents brought snacks for the kids and having fun was the main object. Now understandably when billions of dollars are invested the purity of the game gets tainted. Winning becomes paramount. I have no problems there.

Where I have problems is when you look at individuals that sacrifice the integrity of the game itself for personal gain. I’m looking at you Barry Bonds - we all know you know you took steroids and are too selfish to admit your mistake. I’m looking at you Bill Belichick - you are a cheater and although you had several games in hand, you chose to run up the score on your opponents. I’m looking at you Latrell Spreewell - your spoiled ass chokes coaches and bitches that you can’t “feed your family” on $11 million a year. There are so many others who repeatedly piss on the game that supports their fame and fortune. Too many to list here.

Part of the reason I love futbol/soccer is that some semblance of sportmanship is still incorporated in the professional game. Opponents pick each other up off the field when they fall, if a player is down and injured, either team will put the ball out of play to ensure medical attention is given, and in general there is respect for your opponent on the field that is not seen in many sports. But I want to point attention to a story I heard on ESPN the other day which showed me that there is some hope for sportsmanship. Granted this is college and a women’s game but hey, any sign of hope is good. Below are excerpts. The full story is here.

Western Oregon senior Sara Tucholsky had never hit a home run in her career. Central Washington senior Mallory Holtman was already her school’s career leader in them. But when a twist of fate and a torn knee ligament brought them face to face with each other and face to face with the end of their playing days, they combined on a home run trot that celebrated the collective human spirit far more than individual athletic achievement.

Both schools compete as Division II softball programs in the Great Northwest Athletic Conference. Neither has ever reached the NCAA tournament at the Division II level. It was a typical Saturday of softball in April, right down to a few overzealous fans heckling an easy target, the diminutive Tucholsky, when she came to the plate in the top of the second inning of the second game with two runners on base and the game still scoreless after Western Oregon’s 8-1 win in the first game of the afternoon.

“Sara is small — she’s like 5-2, really tiny,” Western Oregon coach Pam Knox said. “So you would never think that she would hit a home run. The score was 0-0, and Sara hit a shot over center field. And I’m coaching third and I’m high-fiving the other two runners that came by — then all of a sudden, I look up, and I’m like, ‘Where’s Sara?’ And I look over, and she’s in a heap beyond first base. “While she was doubling back to tag first base, Tucholsky’s right knee gave out. The two runners who had been on base already had crossed home plate, leaving her the only offensive player on the field of play, even as she lay crumpled in the dirt a few feet from first base and a long way from home plate.

Umpires confirmed that the only option available under the rules was to replace Tucholsky at first base with a pinch runner and have the hit recorded as a two-run single instead of a three-run home run. Any assistance from coaches or trainers while she was an active runner would result in an out. “And right then,” Knox said, “I heard, ‘Excuse me, would it be OK if we carried her around and she touched each bag?’” The voice belonged to Holtman, a four-year starter who owns just about every major offensive record there is to claim in Central Washington’s record book.

Holtman and shortstop Liz Wallace lifted Tucholsky off the ground and supported her weight between them as they began a slow trip around the bases, stopping at each one so Tucholsky’s left foot could secure her passage onward. Accompanied by a standing ovation from the fans, they finally reached home plate and passed the home run hitter into the arms of her own teammates. Then Holtman and Wallace returned to their positions and tried to win the game.

“It kept everything in perspective and the fact that we’re never bigger than the game,” Knox said of the experience. “It was such a lesson that we learned — that it’s not all about winning. And we forget that, because as coaches, we’re always trying to get to the top. We forget that. But I will never, ever forget this moment. It’s changed me, and I’m sure it’s changed my players.” For her part, Holtman seems not altogether sure what all the fuss is about. She seems to genuinely believe that any player in her position on any field on any day would have done the same thing. Which helps explains why it did happen on that day and on that field.

Now I don’t know if Holtman is just being modest or really believes that what she did was not a big deal, but the fact of the matter is that this is not something anyone is used to see at any major level, college or professional, of sports. Can you honestly see Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens lifting up some just called up minor leaguer who just tore their ACL after hitting what would be their only home run in their career and carrying them around the bases? Barry would probably point and laugh and Clemens would likely throw a bat at him.

The games that these professionals play are their golden goose. They played it for free when they were kids. I am sure at that time, they respected the rules, they respected the game and those that played it. Unfortunately too many athletes are so short-sighted that they look out for their own personal gain and damn the rest. I know that I’ve stopped watching pro basketball because of the overblown egos and lack of team play and I know a lot of people that have stopped watching too. Spoiled brat athletes that do not appreciate that they are multi-millionaires for playing a game and have forgotten where they came from. Its good to hear about players like Holtman once in a while and since I know that many star athletes read my blog I’m sure it will make a huge difference in the character of players you will see at your next neighborhood game. Don’t worry you can thank me later.

It came to my realization that although I have a category on my blog named Idiocracy, it’s likely a large percentage of my readers have no idea what I mean by that. Idiocracy was a movie made by Mike Judge (of Office Space fame) that was released a couple years ago. And since I’ve watched it, I tend to see more and more of it coming true in my daily observations of life.  I’m lazy so I’m just going to copy and paste the plot as listed from IMDB and post a few YouTube clips of some the best parts. Enjoy and be afraid for you have seen the future!

Plot Summary:

Joe Bauers, an Army librarian, is judged to be absolutely average in every regard, has no relatives, has no future, so he’s chosen to be one of the two test subjects in a top-secret hibernation program. He and hooker Rita were to awaken in one year, but things go wrong and they wake up instead in 2505. By this time, stupid people have outbred intelligent people; the world is (barely) run by morons–and Joe and Rita are the smartest people in America.

Introduction:

Best of Idiocracy pt 1

Best of Idiocracy pt 2

Now for years and years we have been hearing about how bad Americans are in geography and general world awareness. Recently a National Geographic report has come out that tested over 500 young adults (18-24 year olds) that continued to prove this point. Now the report itself is almost 90 pages long, so I’ll just break down some of the more shocking points for me.

• 63% of respondents could not locate Iraq or Saudi Arabia on a map of the Middle East.
• 75% of respondents could not locate Iran or Israel on a map of the Middle East.
• 75% of respondents could not locate Indonesia on a map.
• 88 % of respondents could not locate Afghanistan on a map of Asia.
• 74% of respondents believe that English is the most widely spoken language in the world (It’s Mandarin Chinese)

Now a major point with this set of statistics is that all of these locations have been mentioned ad nauseum in media. Indonesia was mentioned mainly during the tsunami but coverage of Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Israel and Saudi Arabia can be found on just about every news outlet on TV and print. Apparently Americans, especially young Americans, are not aware of anything outside of their own national boundaries. As far as they are concerned, these anonymous countries on the other side of the world are just a way for the good ol’ US of A to test their newest way to put a boot in some infidel ass!

So what you say! They don’t know need to know anything about any other countries. As long as they know about the greatest country in the world that’s fine. I mean who cares about all those third world nations anyway? I send Sally Struthers my $5 a month to help them. Well here’s some news for you…

• 50% of respondents could not locate New York state on a map of the US
• 43% of respondents could not locate Ohio on a map of the US
• 67% of respondents could not locate Louisiana on a map of the US

Beyond that, geographic and world awareness skills are deemed as not vital skills by the majority of the group.

• 38% of respondents said that speaking a foreign language is “not too important” vs. 14% that said speaking a foreign language is “absolutely necessary”
• 32% of respondents would miss a conference call scheduled with colleagues in another time zone. (cannot compute time differences between time zones)
• 21% of respondents said it’s “not too important” to know where countries in the news are located.
• 34% of respondents would go in the wrong direction in the event of an evacuation. (a fictional map and scenario were given in which they were told a hurricane was advancing and to identify the city to the northwest in which they could go)

The second and fourth bullet points are pretty important things to know if you are going to survive in your job or in the world in general. We are moving toward a global economy and twice as many young adults feel that knowing a foreign language is unimportant. As a country, we need to get our heads out of our asses if we still want to be competitor in the global economy. We are already in a bad situation. We are a country that isn’t educated about personal finance (evidenced by our growing national debt and bankruptcy rates) and world awareness. We do not have discipline as evidenced by our growing obesity rates and the behavior of children (you really didn’t think you were going to get a blog where I didn’t mention that did you?!).

As sad as a realization as it is, all civilizations must fall. There are a lot of similarities between the fall of Rome and the path the US is walking. Before we know it, we’ll have a country full of these idiots.

Accuse of me of being a consumerist whore or just plain being bored, but I like to skim through my direct mail on occasion. Even though I don’t pick up books as much as I would like to, I love reading. Magazines, blogs and even advertisements. So this Friday, I receive the Toys R Us circular pushing all of its summer toys. Now I’ve gotten the circular before and was amazed at the sheer grandiosity of the swing/play sets that are now sold. I remember when I was a kid I had a swing set. I thought it was pretty great. It kinda looked like the set below but with a metal slide instead of plastic and not as racial diverse mix of kids playing with it.

Anyway this particular swing set is the 2nd cheapest one listed on the Toys R Us website. I lived in a upper middle class neighborhood growing up and this was about what other kids had. When I flip through this circular, the average “gym” was nicer than my first apartment. Look at this crap below. Rock wall, clubhouse, twist slide and I think the kids in the picture come with it so you can have sycophantic playmates. It just makes me realize how spoiled kids are these days…

But this is not the point of the blog. There were two toys in the summer circular that caught my attention. I went on the Toys R Us website to find pictures of the two to show and write about. Low and behold, they appeared on the home page and it seemed like an extreme juxtaposition to me. I am talking about are circled.

The “Natural Toys” is apparently the result of Toys R Us “re-thinking playtime with our exclusive new line of environmentally conscious toys.” Apparently an unpainted wooden toy car or train is a revolutionary change in toys. Nevertheless, it is a departure from complex expensive toys to something simple. A type of toy that makes kids use their imagination to play with it instead of feeding them some toy executive interpretation of imagination through battery powered medium. I am all for it but apparently you have to be a hippie to want to buy some unpainted wooden toys.

The second is a monstrosity called the Cyclone (see it enlarged here). Do you remember Slip N Slide? Well this is Slip N Slide for spoiled upper middle class kids whose parents are divorced and trying to buy their kids’ love. For a mere $500, your kid can become the most popular kid on the block with their own 180 degree tornado shaped inflatable water slide with splash pool! I remember trying to get my parents to buy me a $30 Super Soaker was a chore. Asking for a $500 inflatable water slide? I guess when you get a $2000 playset/gym, $500 is small potatoes. But I suppose after the water bill comes, it’ll end up costing you $2000. I’m not even going to get started on the amount of water wasted while millions live without potable water in third world countries…that’s another blog.

I just thought the juxtaposition of a simple wooden toys and the epitome of spoiled American consumer gluttony was fitting. I’m getting to the point when I look at the time when I grew up as a much simpler time. I suppose it was but I am concerned about how much as a society we give to our kids. Chances are several of these kids are just handed a $500 water slide or $2000 swing set without having to earn it in any manner, whether it be through good grades, chores or whatever. And then we are surprised when they grow up with a sense of entitlement and not knowing the value of a dollar. The thing is that only parents can stop it. The toy makers are reveling in the fact that we will literally pay any cost to satiate our kids ephemeral desires. They market to them relentlessly on TV and websites, which I am sure parents play close attention to. Watch an hour of Saturday morning cartoons and you will see how kids are trained to become consumers. It is the way of America. Unfortunately few parents do anything to counteract what media tells them, in fact they generally reinforce it. So parents enjoy the nagging for a Cyclone! And once you buy it, let me know so I can come over and play on it…